Dead Roses
by Naomi Hunter
Summary: Ryuuichi-x-Shuichi angst. Done first person, timeline: after series end. Very angsty, suicide themes. R&R, please. No flames. CONCLUSION.
1. Dead Roses

**Dead Roses.**

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By: Naomi Hunter.

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tooku de me o hikarasete mezameru monotachi matte iru

I've been charmed by your eyes from far away; wake up and wait for me

(deguchi no nai) shougeki ni taeru tsumori nara

(kuzureru hodo) itsuwari o misete

(there is no way out) if you plan to endure the impact

(until it collapses) a projected lie

(sotto dakishimete kowasu you ni)

(hold me gently as I break down)

(deguchi mo Naku) (kuzureochiru)

(cry for a way out) (it crumbles down)

todokanu hikari no yukue azayaka ni mau omoi o egakou

michibiku kotoba ga koborete shimawanu you ni utsuru toki o osorenaide

Now tell me where the light is, sketch it as it dances vividly

Guided words overflow and come out in times of fear

(sotto dakishimete zutto tsukamaete motto kokoro made kowasu you ni)

(hold me gently, catch me forever, do more until my heart breaks down)

- "Sleepless Beauty."

I sit on the floor, alone, save for my precious Kumagorou-chan. I hum quietly to myself as I run the pink crayon back and forth, across the figure's hair. My headphones are hooked around my neck, blaring Bad Luck's newest single--a tale of heartache, turmoil and sorrow. Shuichi and his writer-lover are no more. Yuki is staying in New York, trying to pull his life back together. I cry silently for Shuichi, behind my bunny suits, smiles and childish glee. I weep for my love. I silently hate Yuki for taking Shuichi's love from me--if he hadn't been around, Shuichi would have loved me…or I wish I could hope it would have been that way. I clutch Kumagorou close to my chest, nuzzling my nose into his soft powder-pink velveteen fuzz. I hate how adult I must be, remembering how my mother sold me into Show Business and took money from my trust fund to buy herself diamonds and nice houses-not to mention boyfriends. I never knew my father, Mother told me he was a singer she had a one-night-stand with; she said that's where I got my voice. I never met him because a few weeks before I was born he died of a drug overdose. I don't mind--I don't think he would have made a good father anyway. 

But, most of all, I hated how my childhood was cut oh-so-short and I wasn't free to do things like other guys. I hated living my life in secret and not being able to be myself in public. I admire Shuichi so much for being able to come out--even if Yuki did it for him. I'm even happier it didn't hurt Bad Luck. See, if I came out, Nittle Grasper would be finished. All those screaming fan girls would form riots and burn down N-G records and all of Tokyo for the matter, leaving only a small percentage of very happy fan boys. Besides, Tohma, he would never let me. He's a manager before a band-mate. 

I hate my fame, I really hate it. A lot of the times I just want to throw it out the window and be normal. I don't understand what all the goddamn fuss is about. My looks, my voice. I look average, a little too skinny even. Okay, my eyes are pretty cool, but I only think that coz Shuichi told me so. My voice is average. The only time _I_ shined was when I was singing with my beautiful Shuichi. 

I sigh and sit back against the wall, patting Kumagorou between his floppy ears and listening to Shuichi's lovely voice. Sometimes, I like to pretend that he's singing about me…yeah and so do over 2 million fan girls and boys. But, I really do imagine that he's singing about his love for me, his burning, passionate love…that doesn't exist. I really hate Yuki for telling him his Lyrics were horrible--that just shows how cold and unmusical he is. He has no heart to listen to the words, to _feel_ their beauty…and I know it's there, because they go right through me. Shuichi's lyrics strike me right in the heart…I've even cried. I finish shading in the hair and accidentally get pink crayon on the hardwood floor. I wince--_Oh, no…I'm going to make Tohma angry again…He gets mad when I draw on the floor…_

I turn Kumagorou around and he gives me a 'Oh, you poor darling' look. He tells me that I have to forget him….but it's so hard when you see them everyday and they are so absolutely radiant. My shoulders shake as I try not to cry. Kumagorou pouts and tries to comfort me. For the first time in my life I want to rip his head off. Instead I place him on the floor beside me, I give him another fumbled pat and look back to my childish picture of my love, Shuichi. I add the final touches. 

My hands tremble and my writing gets sloppy. I write:

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"My dear Shuichi,

Keep shining. You're the best when you shine. 

I love you, with all my heart. 

~Ryuuichi. 

-Ps: Please take care of Kumagorou for me. 

Remember to give him lots of hugs or he gets lonely and sad." 

I take a deep breath and put the crayon down and then pick it up again. "I love you, always," I write on the floor, Tohma can't yell at me when I'm dead, but I feel guilty about it anyway. On the paper and the floor, the I love you's sound so fake and hollow, but I don't care. I'm in Bad Luck's recording room…I wonder, will Shuichi cry for me? Will he be the one to find me? I laugh softly and begin to down the entire bottle of medicine, taking the pills one by one. I counted; 25 of them should be enough. I can already see the headlines. "Nittle Grasper's lead singer, dead of an apparent suicide at age 20." After I've taken all of them, Kumagorou whimpers at me, I could swear he was crying. I slowly pulled him into my arms, holding him as tight as I could. I cried, _sobbed_. I wanted this…I always did. I'd tried it when I was 17, before I'd met Shuichi, and failed. The makeup artists were always angry with me, trying to cover up the lacerations on my wrists. Everyone at NG knew it too…save Bad Luck and the other newbies. I almost died in my dressing room in America…made a big bloodstain on the white carpet….idiots….who…who puts in a white carpet….? Everything's getting calm. And all I hear is Kumagorou's sniffling and Shuichi's beautiful voice, lulling me into a deep sleep. I can see the clock still, but just barely; it's four am. It's five am when I feel it really taking effect. I hear the door open and a crown of dark pink hair.

"Ryuuichi!" He stammers. I smile at him weakly and slip off into darkness. 

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A/N: 

Hi, all, I'm Naomi Hunter, I'm new to the Gravitation scene. About where I stand on the series I happen to like Ryuuichi/Lung . He's a cutie pie and he's great to transform into an angst-festering Bishonen. ^-^; I am a Nittle Grasper addict, I mean, c'mon, compared to Nittle Grasper, Bad Luck is inferior. "Sleepless Beauty" can beat "The Rage Beat" anytime. *laughs* actually I'm probably biased coz of Ryu-chan or that "osorenaide" part. *runs around happily* I've been playing that song for about an hour straight now. V_V. I'm pathetic.

This was a quickie on inspiration. It took about 3 hours for 3 chapters with a ½ hr lunch break. My Gravitation DVDs are subbed with the Chinese names: Showe, Hoze, Ying, Pany, Shun, Tungma, Mayweh, Lingma, Hung &Lung and so on and so forth. I'm proud that I didn't call Ryu-chan "Lung" once. But then…I said his name, what, once? ^^; 

The Kumagorou part--personification rather, was inspired by the book Gingerbread…unfortunately I'm experiencing a brain freeze and cannot remember---Rachel Cohn I think. *laughs* Yup, I'm a freak. ^-~

I hope you all like it. 

There shall be one follow up chapter and an epilogue which is pretty short. Barely a full page. 

Please read and Review!…isn't it stupid to say _read_ and review there…since you're all down here and….*laughs* I'm a spaz. 

Love & Peace,

-Naomi Hunter.

Disc: I own nothing, duh. 


	2. Ch 2 Twinkle

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Dead Roses:

Chapter Two: Twinkle.

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By: Naomi Hunter.

I can't stop crying, I _can't_. I've never, _ever _cried so much in my life. I sit by his side, stroking his hand gently. Kumagorou is nestled in the crook of his arm, near the IV. I can barely breathe, let alone replay what happened. It was even worse when the Police tried to question me, to find out what happened. Hiro said he was afraid they'd blame me…but, he said it looked too much like a suicide. I felt so guilty, unbelievably so. I was what caused him to do this. I turned his wrist over, and gently traced the scars on the inside of his wrist. 

That night, I'd had a terrible feeling and was up all night. I called Yuki at least eighty times, hoping he was okay. All I managed to do was wake him up, piss him off and run up my phone bill. We were scheduled to go in at 6 am, I came an hour early instead of late for once. I had a good idea that I wanted to put down. Security let me in and I walked to the recording room, hearing our CD being played through headphones, quite loud. Then, that bad feeling multiplied by 300. Inside I saw Ryuuichi, laying on the floor, clutching Kumagorou and an empty bottle of pills on the floor. He saw me and gave the saddest smile ever. Then his eyes shut. I got so scared…all I kept thinking was 'oh my god….Ryuuichi's gonna die…' I did everything I could, trying to get him to vomit up all of the pills. I screamed and screamed, till the security guards came. They rushed to call an ambulance, not knowing half of what was going on. I got most of the pills out, or as much as I could and held him tight, rocking back and forth. I only then noticed the note: 

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"My dear Shuichi,

Keep shining. You're the best when you shine. 

I love you, with all my heart. 

~Ryuuichi. 

-Ps: Please take care of Kumagorou for me. 

Remember to give him lots of hugs or he gets lonely and sad." 

Added on the floor in pink crayon, was "I love you, always." I trembled more, holding him tighter and sobbing. Then, the paramedics came and pumped his stomach and took him to the hospital.

I feel so empty….he _can't _die….I…I need him. I tried to compose myself, and did a half decent job at it. K came in, after knocking. I quickly wiped my reddened eyes again and tried to smile. 

He had a deep set frown on his face. He regarded me with a nod, letting his hand fall heavily on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

I hated that question, but I felt obligated to lie. "I guess." My voice was tiny and tight from crying. I looked back to Ryuuichi. He looked so small, even more like a child. He was really pale and his pretty hair was un-styled, his mouth hung open just a little bit. I straightened his hair and gave his hand another squeeze. K left soon after, leaving a little stuffed bunny at his bedside, leaving me with a newspaper. 

I had to give Tohma some credit, for trying to control the press. He'd been telling them that an employee had had a heart attack. But now, he had to come up with an excuse for Ryuuichi's disappearance from the spotlight. His face twitched a little, and he opened his eyes slowly. His mouth parted a little more, then shut when he focused on me. He shrank back, almost and squeezed his eyes shut.

I gently continued to stroke his hand and repositioned Kumagorou. 

"How do you feel?" I asked as he cracked open his sapphire eyes again. 

"Go away."  
"Huh?"  
"Go away…" He whispered, taking back his hand and curling into himself. "You should have let me die."

Before I could answer, a tall woman, dressed in nice clothing stormed in. 

"Ryuuichi." She said sternly, very angry. She had brown hair, like Ryuuichi, but had boring brown eyes. She wore at least 20 diamonds on her hands, neck, wrists and ears. He only drew into himself more. 

"Go away…both of you…" He whispered as the woman, stepped forward. 

"Don't you talk to me, like that, Ryuuichi. You stupid little faggot, what the hell did you think you were doing? If you died you would have left me poor, you little--"  
"_Shut up!_ Go away….I hate you!" He yelled. I stood frozen; never once in knowing him had I ever heard him yell out of anger. 

"No, I won't Ryuuichi--. God, doing it again! At least you didn't make yourself bleed this time! Who would want to look at those ugly scars on your wrists. You should be glad you have such good make-up artists… I swear, you selfish little shit--"

"Shut up and leave him alone." I said, my voice strong. "Get the hell out of here." 

She glared daggers at me. "You….you must be Shuichi. You faggot, contaminating my son."  
She was his _mother?!_ I couldn't believe it. 

"Say whatever you want to me, but _leave Ryuuichi alone_." She glared at him again and turned and left.

"I'm not done with you, Ryuuichi." 

I looked back to him, watching him pull his knees up to his chest. Kumagorou had fallen onto the floor, so I picked the bunny up and sat on the side of his bed. I smoothed his hair gently, making him pick up his head. I placed Kumagorou carefully in his arms and took him in mine. He cried in my arms, his face buried in my side. I sang to him, quietly, making up the song as I went, humming parts where I couldn't think of words. I stroked his hair and kissed him on the top of his head. 

"Shu-kun?"

"Yeah?"  
"Don't leave me alone…" He whispered as I smiled and kissed him there again.

"I never ever will." I promised, singing him a song about a bunny next. 

We were silent for hours and no one disturbed us. He lay nestled in my arms, his pink bunny in between us. I kept humming a lazy tune, since I couldn't think of another song. 

"Why did you do it?" I asked softly.

He didn't answer me for a long time. "Because…there is nothing for me here. Unless I'm singing, or with you…I don't live a life. It's all fake. I never wanted this, Shuichi. I just want to be myself…but…I have no _self_ to be if I was given the chance." He closed his eyes again. "Besides, you can't see those who _truly _love you."

I was stunned, slightly and felt horrible again. "Ryu-kun, you're one of my best friends, you're my musical rival and not to mention drive, you give me inspiration and happiness. You never laugh at me, or get angry…when Yuki left…you were there for me…." I was babbling, I knew it, but, I couldn't help it. "You're one of the best friends I have--"  
"And nothing more." he whispered. I felt he would have pulled away if he weren't so weak. "And I know you think I'm stupid, cowardly, crazy, all that stuff, they all do, I _know_…" He did pull away this time, starting to cry again. He turned his back to me so he was on his side. I gently fit my body with his, feeling him try to control his shivering. I wrapped my arms tight across his chest and spoke softly into his ear. 

"I don't think any of that about you, Ryuuichi. I don't. I just think you're scared, that's all, and you need someone to help you. I don't mean doctors or anything, I mean...me…"

He sniffled and turned his head slightly to look up at me. His lips were parted ever-so-slightly and I heard him drop Kumagorou. I kissed him gently on the lips, so comforted by the heat of his body. He held me tight around the neck and cried into my shoulder.

"Shuichi….I love you so much…" he whimpered as I held him tight in my embrace. 

"I love you, too." 


	3. Ch 3 Shine on!

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Dead Roses:

Chapter Three: Shine On. 

(Epilogue.)

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By: Naomi Hunter.

So, Ryuuichi was released from the Hospital okay and stuff. Luckily I got the pills out soon enough that they didn't do any harm. He's not entirely free, though. They're making him go to therapy and get psychoanalyzed and stuff. So, he's taking another hiatus from Nittle Grasper. He comes to record with me a lot. He loves to watch and cheer me on with Kumagorou. We've also done a few singles together; I'd bet Yuki would be proud, the lyrics are awesome. 

He's really getting better, though. He's happy now--_really _ happy, not that bottled, artificial stuff. He tells me everything and I listen, I'm happy to do so, too. We love each other so much. He still has his quirks--like putting Kumagorou in another room when we have sex to "keep him innocent"--but, it's cute. If he didn't have them, he wouldn't be Ryuuichi, my Beloved Ryuuichi. 

He lays next to me, tonight, sprawled out comfortably, his exposed body illuminated only by moonlight. He smiles at me and sighs.   
"Pika, pika, Shu-chan…" I smile, kissing him passionately on the lips, then rested my head next to his. _You keep shining, too, Ryuuichi. _

———

Shuichi's asleep beside me. I can't stop smiling. He's right, I really am happy. Kumagorou is happy, too. We got him another boy bunny, named Sumagorou. After a big fight, my mother decided to leave me alone. I still send her money, though. I learned to deal with my problems and all that feel-good crap. It sounds like a load of bullshit, but it's not all that bad. I also learned that people actually cared about me and were worried. Hm, who knew. But, I'm past that now, and soon, Nittle Grasper's gonna come back with a vengeance and take the _world_ by storm. I smile again, well, lets start with Japan. 

Oh, and Ps, when I got back, I asked Tohma if he was mad about me for the crayon on the floor. He just started to cry and held me tight. I asked him again, afraid that he _was_ mad, but he said "No, not at all." 

[Ende.]


End file.
